My heart is both heavy and happy. The mix of emotion can most likely not be accurately described with words, at least not in a blog. It would take volumes to express and would be as unintelligible as it would be hefty. I will nevertheless ramble a bit here for both our sakes.
I deliver Jessica to Dallas tomorrow and she will board a plane with one of our dearest friends, Haley, for Ethiopia to visit our kids. I have ceased the adjective labels such as "soon-to-be" or "hopefully" to describe the children. They are no one else's. And desperately loved and longed for by us. The only adjective I want to use currently is a possessive one - OURS. (heavy sigh)
So, Jessica is going to visit them and I don't get to. Will someone cue the pity party music? I am really excited for her getting to go...it's just...seriously. Someone? The MUSIC!!! It's just I really want to meet our kids too. So I'm a bit sad.
Jessica has purchased enough candy and toys to stock the Texas State Fair for three millennia. She's sitting on the floor packing balls and bubbles and books and suckers and Starburst into her suitcase. I told her in a foreign country to try to blend in. "Try not to look too much like a tourist." That's what I told her. Apparently her idea of blending in is wearing a pages from coloring books while tossing out candy to the onlookers like she's the Krewe of Janus. I love my wife. I love that she'll read that and purse her lips, shake her head and smile at me with her eyes. Anyway, the orphanage has quite a treat coming. Possibly one or two glucose-comas as well.
I just wrote a letter to our kids that Jessica will deliver. I cried through my writing until I ran out of things to say. I asked Jessica if she had any ideas of what I could say and she allowed me to read some things she has written in a journal to them. I just thought I had cried. My wife's heart is incomprehensibly wonderful. Beautiful were her words. And our kids will one day be immensely blessed. My letter will no doubt be butchered in translation, all heart-felt emotion and loving tenderness sapped from the page by poor interpretation. Aren't I Debbie Downer? Sorry all you Debbie's out there. Especially you little ones. (wink). Most of my negativity is only here to mask a deep longing for this process to come to completion with our kids safely home.
Contrary to the tone thus far I am rather happy. There is a little life growing inside of Jessica that I also am excited to meet! Seeing its little heart beat was amazing, and then Jessica began feeling it kick, and now I CAN FEEL IT TOO!! Forgive my seeming insensitivity by calling it "it". Many of you may know that we are not finding out the sex of the baby...until its born of course...then we'll know. We like living on the edge. I've been driving my truck on empty for two days. Edgy. You don't know me.
Thanks for reading.