An update...prayer requests

I'm sorry I haven't been very good about updating our blog!! Sadly, there's not much to update you on. We are still waiting to be submitted to court....waiting on a few Ethiopian documents to be gathered. Please pray that the people involved in accomplishing this would be dilligent! I cannot tell you how much we desire to bring these four precious kids home to join our family...even if they never get to come to our home, I will still consider them our kids and will visit them as often as I can. Our agency director made a trip to Ethiopia a little while back and gave the kids our care package that we sent to them...she videoed them opening them and showed them looking at pictures of us...very sweet! When they were asked if they were excited about having a family...the oldest boy quickly answered "yes, very much!!" Oh, break my heart....I continue to hear from other families that S.(our oldest boy) is very special.

We are trying to come up with their American name in case they want to be called by it. I want S. to have a strong leader name...I believe he will make a big difference for the kingdom just by things people have told me about him. I told Ryan I'd like to meet them before I pick their name for sure. We like the name Canon for the middle boy.It means the standard, or rule, by which things are to be judged, measured, or weighed. Eden is the name we have picked out for our daughter.

Now on to my next prayer request. I am planning to visit our kids this summer most likely without Ryan. Don't worry he will meet them soon enough. I have invited a friend to go along with me and make a mission trip out of it so we can love and minister to other orphans...remember 98% of the world's orphans are not adoptable!!! I am still working out the details so pray with me that we would seek God's guidance in this and that we would trust that He will provide the means to go!!

Jessica

Immediate throat punch

There are several phrases that well-meaning people say that are sometimes not the best possible thing to say at a given time. For instance, a funeral is not always the best place to say “Well, I’m sure they’re in a better place.” We’ve probably all said that. I know I have. And some people may not be bothered by it at all, but there exist safer things to say. Another example might be trying to comfort someone who is going through cancer with “This too shall pass” or the old favorite “Joy comes in the morning”.

But I’m guilty of all of these and I’m not writing to beat you up about what you’ve said wrong in the past. Well maybe a little. I want to give you a few not-so-great things that are often said to adoptive parents, potential adoptive parents, or those struggling with infertility. These are in no particular order and some are completely stolen from friends who’ve shared these with me.

Pre-Adoption No-no’s

For starters, if someone says they’re adopting don’t ask why. A few times people have actually said, “Why would you adopt? You can’t have kids regular?” Immediate throat punch is the result. Instead consider this as an option: “That’s awesome! Congratulations! How can I pray for you specifically?” That leaves it open for the person to share any struggles they are having with infertility or just the adoption process in general.

Here’s a big one. Please don’t assume that because someone adopts that means they will all of the sudden become pregnant. I know right now you are listing off couples in your head that you know personally that this happened to. That’s great! But it DOES NOT happen for everyone. So for you to say, “Oh, I’m sure you’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt. It happened for Bob & Susie and Bill & Nancy and...” it just causes all kinds of problems. For one, you may be building false hope because you are not, in fact, the Giver of Life. Also, in some people’s eyes it devalues adoption. As if to say that if you’re faithful in doing that then God will truly bless you with a child. It’s just all wrong. The antithesis is also accurate. If someone is adopting and becomes pregnant avoid the oh-I-just-knew-as-soon-as-you-started-adoption rhetoric.

Also, if you hear someone is struggling with infertility Please don’t offer them your kids in jest. It’s not funny. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard things like that! People say, “Ugh! You just think you want kids. You can keep little Johnny for a weekend and I bet you’ll change your mind.” We want the child(ren) God has for us. So you can keep your rotten heathen and your comments to yourself.

When someone is adopting older children (as in our case) please don’t patronize with phrases about not having to deal with crying at night or diapers, etc. Not all people choose to adopt older children to avoid stinky diapers and sleepless nights. We will have plenty of trials of our own and grieve the time lost with our adopted children, all of the time lost.

I am hesitant to add this one and I want to tread lightly as I do. This doesn’t bring the pain like some of these others might, but it can sometimes be tiring to answer the question “Any news yet?” On the surface the question is obviously caring and in no way is it hurtful, but it is a constant reminder that there is no news. We still want people to care and be involved. Just understand that on any given day we might be asked that same question 5 or 6 times each. I would offer this as an alternative: “We are still praying for you and your kiddos!” or maybe “Let me know if there are specific ways we can pray.” It just alleviates the pressure to share all of the mundane details involved in waiting. And yes, waiting for the elusive travel date is as bad as it sounds. Grueling in fact. Know that we will be glowing when we have news and happy to share every little detail to the point that you will wish you hadn’t asked.

Post-Adoption No-no’s

I don’t have as many of these because we are still pre-adoption, but here’s a couple just for balance.

If it is obvious that someone has either adopted, kidnapped, or is babysitting the children they are with in the grocery store, then it is obvious. No need to ask, “are they really yours?” This could be confusing, especially for older children. Just smile and tell them how cute they are or call the police or both. I can’t wait for the day that someone cocks their head and asks if the four black children are ours. “Yeah, weirdest thing, right? They came out so dark.”

Some people are bothered by being asked if they are all siblings. If they are all adopted by the same parent then they are all siblings! Pop quiz: One biological child, one adopted from Africa and two adopted domestically. Are they all siblings? If you answered ‘No’ then you are on your way to a disgusted look before you know it. Don’t make parents answer the details of that question...to you (a stranger)...in front of their kids.

All that said...

Please don’t apologize if you’ve said these things to us. You may know who you are, but we don’t remember so let’s leave it that way. We don’t hold grudges and have laughed away most of it knowing that we’ve put our foot in out mouth more than we’d care to admit.

Please feel free to add in the comments your own examples of awkward things people have said to you.

And above all of this please know that the thoughts contained in this email are my experiences and may not be true for everyone. I only offer what’s here as a guide in trying to say what’s in your heart. If you mean well and want to offer your friend or loved one some expression of tenderness and caring in whatever it is they are walking through there’s one phrase that ALWAYS fits: I love you.

Thanks for reading.

Prayers are being answered already

When I got home from church and checked my email...I had a very nice note from USCIS(immigration) saying they have approved us to adopt from Ethiopia!! Just a few more hurdles to go!! I really do mean it when I say thank you to all of you who are praying us through this every step of the way.

Jessica

The Kids know about us

**Update** I wrote this post a few days ago and just wanted you all to know our dossier(all paperwork) is on its way to DC to get the great seal to be able to send it to Ethiopia!! Yahoo!! Finally...I'm so glad to have that part done and out of my hands.

So I got an email from our agency director. She wanted to let us know that while she was in Ethiopia last week she told our kids about us wanting to adopt them. She said they were very excited and asked her if they would all be going to the same family and she said "Yes...God is faithful." That's right, He is!! We are getting a photo book together to send to each of them. One of my new adoptive-mom friends told me this will be their most prized possession. She said when she picked up her two kids this was all they had to their name! We just got back from buying each of them their first outfit to send over also. It was fun and challenging since we have never seen them in person...I just approximated their size based on their height and weight. Don't worry I didn't leave S. out he will get some shorts too...just haven't found any I like yet since the stores are just putting out shorts here. Ethiopia is already seeing highs of low 70's so I thought shorts may be a better choice.

Just so you guys know what to pray for specifically. We are waiting for approval from immigration to adopt from Ethiopia instead of Nepal. Also, our paperwork is just about ready to be sent to Ethiopia to be reviewed. They will issue us a court date(maybe in April). We will go to Ethiopia for the court date and be able to spend time with the kids...Yea!! When we pass court (pray that all documents that need to be there will be) our case will be submitted to the embassy. They will investigate to assure that the kids meet the U.S. definition of an orphan. Once this is determined they will give us travel clearance to go for an embassy appointment. From what I understand the U.S. embassy will interview us and give visas to the kids if all goes well. So there are several more hurdles in this process. Please pray that all these things fall into place as they are supposed to so these kids don't have to be heartbroken.

This is where trust in God comes in. This is what is so hard for me. But I have realized more and more that God is in control and always has been even though in my pea-brain I thought I was for a long time. It is so frustrating to know your fate, so to speak, lies in someone else's hands (agencies, governments) but all along it wasn't in our hands to start with. It was/is in His. I get aggravated sometimes and think to myself ‘you know, families that are able to have children biologically get to just decide - ok now we are ready to have kids’ but God is in control of that too (we just think we are). Boy are we fooled!!

Thank you so much in advance for praying with us through this!!

May God have all the glory,

Jessica

You have to read this blog post!

I started writing this post 2 nights ago but couldn't focus enough to finish it!! Can't imagine why!

Every time I even think about blogging about what's going on in my mind right now...I just get overwhelmed thinking there is no way I can write exactly what I am feeling/thinking. It's hard to get a deep breath sometimes! Right now I am preparing the last of the documents that need to be notarized to be sent to Ethiopia...one step closer!!

I just had to share this story...I just happened to read a blog post that you can read here from a sweet family that I know from being with our former agency. So I'm reading this on our way to Louisiana on Christmas day and my heart just about leapt out of my chest. All I can say is my heart aches for these kids that I have never met.

Since we have announced our big news, I have heard from so many that have been praying for our kids to have a family. And I look forward to the day that I can tell them how my sisters and brothers in Christ have cared for them in such a way!! Our family will treasure these memories. Thank you for being faithful to what God our Father calls a pure and faultless religion!!

May God have all the glory,

Jessica

severely off her rocker

After our U.S. government in their wisdom (see sarcasm) decided to close down Nepalese adoptions for an undetermined amount of time, Jessica and I felt...well, unsure. We weren't entirely certain what we should do next. But God is sovereign. God planned it so that as this fact was settling in and beginning to weigh heavy on us, we were to attend the Together for Adoption conference.

We were there by divine appointment. Along with getting to spend the weekend with some great friends (the Williams, Libby, Dr. Yeats...err, I mean John Mark), God had plans for us to hear certain things from certain people. For instance, I had no idea what "waiting" children were. Come to find out there are children in other countries waiting for parents. You may say, "Well no duh, Ryan", but only if you're a true child of the 80's. Seriously though, I thought we had to get on a waiting list to be approved and then a waiting list to be matched with kids and then wait to travel to get them. A lot of waiting. Not so. There are kids that are completely ready, waiting for parents.

I didn't want us to jump back into anything too quickly though. After all, we were just coming out of an 18 month broken relationship with Nepal. I didn't want these "waiting" children to be a rebound type of deal. We prayed and talked about whether God would have us adopt domestically, foster, foster to adopt, international, "waiting" children, or if anything at all. We were starting back at square one. After prayer and discussion we came to a decision. We still felt strongly drawn toward international adoption. And why would we get on a waiting list to adopt slightly younger children when there are children "waiting" for people to adopt them. My rational: they're waiting, we're waiting. Hmmm. Let's alleviate both our waits.

We began moving forward with the process to adopt waiting children. I say "we". Jessica did pretty much all of the work...as women should. Just kidding. The agency sent us a list (with pictures) of about 12-15 sets of siblings that were waiting in Ethiopia for parents. We looked through these pictures, asking for God's guidance. My salvation and security in Christ became more sweet (more cherished) during this process. Ephesians 1:4-6 says, "For He (the Father) chose us in Him (Christ) before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will- to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One (Jesus) He (the Father) loves." In a nutshell God chose me! He chose to make ME His! Not because of ME, but because...well, I can't even fully express why! He chose to love me, in spite of me. Not because I'm lovable, but because He is Love.

That's all good and exciting, but now the connection. We had to choose. Jessica and I had the pleasure and the burden of choosing. Essentially by choosing one set of siblings, we didn't choose the other 20 something children that were waiting. Heartbreak. They are all so beautiful. They're kids. They're made in God's image. All of those kids need a home and a family. They all need to hear about God's love. All. Of. Them. I unapologetically hope you're kept awake at night with the burden to put actions to the faith and hope you claim. You may think me harsh for saying such things. You may say it's all well and good that y'all are doing that, but I shouldn't place my convictions on others. And to you I would remind that I can not convict. That is the Holy Spirit's work. And if you can walk away unchanged, unmoved, then okay. We can not.

James 1 tells us the religion that God deems as pure and faultless is to see after widows and orphans. There are many avenues this can be done: praying, giving, going, serving, and adopting. Across the street or across the world, we are commanded to minister to the least of these.

Now back to the program. Since we started looking at these pictures Jessica started falling in love with one particular group of siblings. I don't know exactly what she must have been thinking when she first told me she thought these were the ones. I know my first thought was: We're not adopting a sibling group, we're adopting a soccer team! I knew for certain that someone had snuck into my house at night and replaced my wife with some deranged look-a-like that was somehow a glutton for punishment and severely off her rocker. Four kids!?!? FOUR. The number has torn through my mind like a runaway train. It completely and utterly destroyed any coherent line of thought for days. And then it started to take root. And I began to consider it. And it started to sound...no, no, NO. It's crazy. There's no way. I prayed for God to protect the heart of my wife. "Lord," I said, "if You have other plans for these children and us please change her heart. Open other doors. Please don't let her be hurt again." All the while she fell more and more in love with these four children. And secretly, so did I.

On our way back from Louisiana we called our agency to ask some questions and get some clarification. Among the questions, we wanted to ask if we could know if there was anyone else interested in this particular soccer team, I mean sibling group. The words echoed in mind as she said that another family had requested them. In that moment I began to wonder how I would tell Jessica this news and I wished that I was someone else or somewhere else in the world, but I knew this was what I had to do. I had to be the one to break this heart-shattering news to my bride. As all of these things were swirling in my mind the agency worker continued. Then I realized she was saying something about having to tell the other family that she could not approve them. Something to do with income and that they already had children. My heart leapt with joy and at the same time hurt for that family's news. She said that we had already passed all the various requirements and if we were sure we wanted this set of siblings she would remove them from the website and send us their medical records and forty something pictures.

We said YES! Emphatically. Crazy. Don't know what all of this entails. Trying to grasp the concept of being parents. Mind racing. Weeping at the thought of some unforeseen thing standing in our way. Undeniably longing to get them quicker. So excited to begin this part of our lives. Grateful that God has led us to this point. Scared out of our minds. Reading everything we can get our hands on. Joyous occasion for celebration. Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't imagine how difficult the next few months of waiting will be.

She actually tried for a moment to talk us out of it. I say that tongue-in-cheek, but she did want to make sure we were aware of the difficulties involved, et cetera. I assured her that we had counted the cost and were as scared as we should be, not totally naive or overconfident, and we had in fact disposed of our rose-colored glasses back in the day. They don't go well with my red hair.

We can't disclose their names or pictures just yet, but it is one girl and three boys. Their ages range from 4-12. We should travel to Ethiopia in April for the first trip and again in (maybe) June to bring home our soccer team, OUR KIDS!

Thanks for reading.

What we've been up to

Well...an update is long over due. First of all, let me say God is so good! He knows what we need so much better than we do. So the whole living in limbo between Fort Worth and Austin was pretty rough on me. I'm not working full-time right now so I felt kind of useless...didn't have a house to set up, couldn't get going on our home study update until we moved...it really stunk. 3 or 4 houses we were really interested in fell through but God had us waiting for the perfect house for us right now. We are about a mile from the church in a really cute neighborhood with a great yard. I think the extra time was probably good to process and grieve the loss of our Nepal adoption. I'm kind of a list person so here goes some things I've been rolling around in my head.

Things I'm thankful for lately:

A wonderful and loving church family(they have been so supportive of Ryan's ministry)

New friends that have encouraged me

Godly and generous parents

God softening hearts about hard stuff

Together for Adoption conference

On fire adoption/orphan care community in Austin

A total stranger at church giving me a gift card for clothes and a precious note of encouragement on Orphan Sunday when she heard about our adoption

The Albritton family traveling to Ukraine to pick up their little one this week

Faithful friends who are prayer warriors

The youth we get the privilege to get to know and share Jesus Christ with

God's provision

Presence of peace and true joy that only comes from God during hard circumstances.

Healing of my friend Jessica Chapman's daughter Rachel

God showing Himself in little things like being able to get a medical form updated for our adoption so easily!

There are so many more things but those are the ones that come to mind right now. If you are reading this and you are one of those that have been praying for us...we are so thankful for you...I can tell you have been interceding on our behalf!!

I have been busy filling out paperwork again for our home study update. The social worker will come and visit us next week. Since we are changing countries, have moved, changed jobs, etc. the home study has to be updated. We are looking at waiting siblings from Ethiopia, so pray that God makes it clear which ones are our kids. We should have our dossier(paperwork to be sent to Ethiopia) ready by early to mid December so we are moving forward again!! Waiting children are kids who are usually older(age 3 and older but most are 7 and up) and have been waiting for a family for months or years so the process usually goes pretty fast(like 6 months total)!!

Love you guys,

Jessica